CHICAGO — What started as a simple ride down the Dan Ryan ended in a full-blown life transition. All I did was blink. One moment I was headed to Trader Joe’s… the next, I was staring at an “Welcome to Indiana” sign, questioning every life decision I’ve ever made.
Welcome to the chaotic reality of Chicago expressways, where missing an exit doesn’t just delay your day — it changes your zip code.
There Are No Do-Overs on I-90
In most cities, if you miss a turn, you take the next one.
In Chicago? Miss your exit and you’re legally required to start a new life.
The I-90/I-94 spaghetti bowl gives you exactly 0.7 seconds to decide whether you’re going toward:
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The Loop
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O’Hare
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A toll booth
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Gary, Indiana
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Or possibly a wormhole to a parallel universe
And don’t even try to merge last minute — Chicago drivers will accelerate just to block you with passive-aggressive determination.
GPS? More Like Guessing Position System
If you thought Google Maps was going to help, think again.
GPS Voice:
“Take exit on the right.”
You pass it
“Rerouting… rerouting… rerouting… buy a new house in Indiana.”
The worst part? You pass 10 different signs, but each one only makes sense after you’ve committed to the wrong ramp — because who has time to read a 15-line highway sign at 70 mph while dodging potholes and an Uber Eats driver in the left lane?
The Panic Pivot Point: “Can I Still Make It?”
We’ve all been there. That split-second mental math:
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“If I speed up and cut across 3 lanes…”
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“Wait, is that a cop?”
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“Maybe if I loop around…”
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“Nope, that ramp goes to Milwaukee.”
And suddenly you’re in Calumet City, staring at the steel mills like you’re in an opening scene of a gritty Netflix drama.
Every Wrong Turn Has a Support Group
If you’ve ever ended up in:
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Indiana instead of Ikea
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Wisconsin instead of Wicker Park
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Joliet instead of Jewel-Osco
…you’re not alone.
There’s an entire generation of Chicagoans who’ve spent more time trying to exit the expressway than in therapy.
Your New Life in Indiana
The good news? Indiana’s got gas stations with excellent beef jerky. The bad news? You now have to pay tolls again just to get home. And if it’s construction season (read: every season), you’re going to need snacks and a podcast series just to survive the trip back.
Tag a Friend Who Thinks the Stevenson is “Not That Bad”
If you know someone who says, “Just take the Dan Ryan, it’s faster,” — send this to them.
If you’ve ever screamed, “WHY ARE THERE FIVE LEFT EXITS?” — this one’s for you.
Because in Chicago, every road trip is an accidental state border crossing.
