CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — The first snowflake hasn’t even touched the ground yet, but your Illinois dad has already put on his windbreaker, stepped outside with a mug of lukewarm coffee, and declared:
“It’s coming.”
Welcome to Midwest Dad Meteorology, where fathers across Illinois transform into weather experts, storm forecasters, and full-time driveway consultants the moment winter arrives.
Here’s what to expect once that first snow hits:
1. The Grill Cover Ceremony
Before the forecast even confirms snow, Dad’s already outside doing his annual sacred ritual: throwing the crusty grill cover over the Weber like he’s wrapping a newborn.
“Can’t have snow messing with the propane lines,” he says.
The grill hasn’t been used since Labor Day. It doesn’t matter.
2. Snowblower: The Chosen One Returns
Buried behind a Halloween skeleton and a leaf blower, the snowblower gets resurrected from the garage with all the reverence of Thor’s hammer.
He tries to start it.
It doesn’t work.
Cue 3 hours of “carburetor talk.”
3. Dad Predicts the Storm — Before the Meteorologists Do
You: “The weather app says maybe a flurry.”
Dad, squinting at the sky: “Nope. Heavy band moving in from the west. I can feel it in my knee.”
He doesn’t need radar. He has joints.
4. The Sidewalk Salt Strategy
While normal humans toss salt randomly, Illinois dads create salt deployment plans like military generals.
“This strip right here gets icy by 4:30… we’ll hit that corner first. Save the second bag for the next system.”
It’s not just salt. It’s precision anti-slip engineering.
5. Driveway Speeches Begin
The moment neighbors step out, Dad begins his TED Talk:
“Back in ’99, we got 14 inches overnight. Shoveled it all before breakfast.”
No one asked. But now everyone knows.
6. The Snow Ruler Appears
Yes, there’s a ruler.
No, it’s not for baking.
It lives in the garage and only comes out to measure snowfall — and win arguments.
“They said 3 inches. This is at least 5.5. Channel 5 never gets it right.”
7. Channel Loyalty Becomes Religion
WGN. ABC7. AccuWeather. Dad has a preferred source and he will defend it like a sports team.
“Tom Skilling said it’s gonna taper off by noon — and Tom’s never wrong.”
8. Dads Start Using Phrases Like ‘Lake Effect’ Casually
“This isn’t even the real snow yet. Just some lake effect fluff.”
No one actually knows what “lake effect” means. Except Dad. Dad knows.
9. Car Brushing Becomes a Full Workout
The way he brushes off the car — fast, aggressive, intense — like he’s training for a boxing match.
You: “You missed a spot.”
Dad: “That’s just decorative.”
10. The Shovel Collection
He doesn’t need five different shovels.
But he has them.
Each one “for a different job.”
One is bent. One is rusty. One has duct tape. All are vital.
11. The ‘Let It Snow’ Playlist (On Loop)
You’ll hear Frank Sinatra’s “Let It Snow” before December 1st — in the garage, on the porch, maybe even in the car.
It’s the Illinois Dad Anthem.
Winter Isn’t Official Until Dad Declares It
Forget the calendar.
Forget the apps.
Illinois winter officially begins the moment Dad says:
“Alright. We better stock up on windshield fluid.”
Know a dad like this?
Tag them. Share it. Send them a ruler.
Because in Illinois — every dad becomes a meteorologist after the first snowfall, and frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
