CHICAGO — You may be in a “silent divorce” and not even know it — or you may be consciously choosing it. The term has gained traction across social media, but attorneys and therapists say the phenomenon has existed for years.
According to Chicago-based divorce attorney Marcy Kott, the term refers to couples who are still married but emotionally, mentally, and physically detached — often cohabitating like roommates.
“They’re not legally separated, but they live separate and apart in the same residence,” Kott told NBC Chicago.
What Is a Silent Divorce?
A silent divorce is marked by a lack of affection, communication, and shared experience. Although no formal proceedings have been initiated, these couples no longer share emotional intimacy.
Licensed couples therapist Cayla Gensler explains that these partners often operate on autopilot — going through routines without emotional engagement.
“They live more like aloof roommates than an actual married couple,” she said.
Why Do Couples Stay Silently Divorced?
Experts say two main factors often lead to silent divorces:
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Children: Some parents choose to stay together to provide stability, even at the cost of their own relationship.
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Finances: Others avoid legal separation due to concerns over property division, shared assets, or simply not being able to afford to live apart.
Kott notes that COVID-19 quarantine periods also contributed to the trend, with couples stuck together in strained dynamics.
Signs You May Be in a Silent Divorce
Some common indicators include:
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No physical intimacy
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Surface-level conversations
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Separate routines and goals
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A sense of emotional detachment
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Minimal shared activities or vacations
“There’s little meaningful connection,” Gensler said. “You may be functioning like a household, but not like a couple.”
Impact On Children And Long-Term Wellbeing
Even if intentions are good, experts warn that silent divorces can be harmful to children.
Kids are often more perceptive than parents realize, and lack of modeled affection or communication can affect their view of healthy relationships later in life.
“You’re not setting an example of a successful relationship,” Kott said.
What To Do If You Suspect You’re In One
Being in a silent divorce doesn’t automatically mean divorce is inevitable. Experts recommend:
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Individual or couples therapy
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Open communication about expectations
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Exploring whether the disconnect is temporary or fundamental
“Even if the marriage ultimately fails, therapy can help couples divorce amicably and focus on their children,” said Kott.
In some cases, though, couples simply delay the inevitable — putting off a decision because they no longer share future goals or emotional investment.
Have You Seen This In Your Community?
Do you know couples quietly coexisting without true connection? Share your story — or your thoughts — in the comments on ChicagoSuburbanFamily.com.
